Just Woke Up

Like the title says, I just woke up. Stupid nightmares. I wish there was a way to sleep without dreaming. I think that's one of the reasons I've been having so many problems sleeping. Because when I dream, I dream of one of two things; her or her family.
It's always the same two dreams. The one with her family, well it's not so bad. It's like nothing ever changed. We're sitting at the house, jamming in the studio. Or we're watching tv. Sometimes we're talking about church and the youth. Whatever is happening, we are always enjoying ourselves. The little one is asking about going fishing or hunting, the girl is always going on about herself, the drummer is showing me how good he has gotten, while the oldest boy is showing me how much he has grown in his life. We talk endlessly about different things.
Just when it seems everything is perfect, she walks in with the new guy. (I say new guy, but he really isn't. He's been around a while now) And now I have to sit there, with what was supposed to be my family, and pretend I'm perfectly fine with what's going on. After enduring the torture for what seems like hours, I notice that I still have the ring in my pocket.
That's when I wake up. Breathing so hard you would think I had been drowning.
Now the other dream, it's definitely not something I want in my head at all. It happens differently in every dream, but it's always the same result. I'm sitting next to her holding her hand. Whether in a theater, at a house or somewhere outside, we are always holding hands. It's as if nothing ever happened. We were never apart. I feel this tingling in my heart that tells me "It's okay. It was all a bad dream. You are here with her aren't you? You are together and nothing is coming between you." Sometimes, in the dream, we live almost our entire lives together. Sometimes it's only a moment. Sometimes we have children. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we grow old and sometimes we're ageless. No matter how the dream starts or how it continues, it always ends the same.
Just when I think I'm experiencing real life, right when I'm at the point where I tell this feeling in my heart, "Okay, I give in. This is real and I am really, truly, happy." He appears and takes it all away. Sometimes he walks up and hugs the children, sometimes he simply takes her hand from mine. In any case, he takes what I had. And the worst part, She lets him. She never fights. She just lets go of my hand so quickly, and goes to him. Sometimes, as she is leaving with him, she turns and says, with the smallest whisper, "Sorry."
Now I'm sitting there, alone. I realize something then, my heart was lying to me. It was telling me what I wanted to hear. It new what I wanted, and it was just toying with me.
If hell exists, then it is nothing but a dream world where our own minds and hearts can torture us. Each one of us have been given our own devil to torment us. It's ourselves.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!

So about a week ago my knee started going out randomly. I didn't think it was a big deal until this morning when I got out of the shower and it went out again. I fell face first into the sink. I got knocked out and fell back and hit my head against the wall. When I woke up 15 minutes later I tried to call my fiancé with no answer, then my father and then my mother. Nobody answered. The next thing I remember I was walking into my parents house. My father looked at me and shouted "WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?" My mother ran into the room and asked if got knocked out. I said "I don't know." She asked if I remembered hitting my head. I asked how she knew I hit my head and she touched the two inch knot on my head. I almost hit my knees in pain. My dad told me sit down and he would call my job and let them know I would not be in for a while. My mom brought me an ice pack and I laid down on the couch. After the swelling went down I asked them why they did not answer they're phones. They said they never rang. Later I asked my fiancé about hers. She didn't have any missed calls.
Recap: Fell, hit head, knocked out, hit head again, woke up, imagined calling three people, put clothes on with no memory of it, apparently walked to my parents house, laid down, woke up again.
I HAVE A HECK OF A FREAKIN HEADACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's she gonna say?

At the house I asked her to wear something nice tonight. I told her I just felt like dressing up tonight. She figured since I just got a new job I had a little extra cash so we can go to a nice restaurant. We get into the truck like it's any other day. The only difference is I am driving. She thinks I'm just trying to be nice by driving, but it was so I could hide something in the drivers door pocket. We take the forty five minute drive to Monroe like it's any other night out. I am nervous but I don't think she notices. I try to hide my stress by making awkward conversations like the weather. I never talk about the weather. She has to know something is up. I am sucking at being smooth tonight. Oh well... No backing out now. We get to the restaurant, she gets out on her side and I scurry to get the white leather bound box out of the door and into my pocket without her seeing. She approaches my right side as she always does and I realize I put the box into the wrong pocket. I know she is going to feel it walking next to me, I have to do something. I lightly grab her by the waist and move her to my left. I tell her I want to be her right hand man (LAME!!!). But it works. The hostess opens the door and we enter. I lucked out tonight, there is no wait for a table of two. We take our seats. The waiter asks for our drink orders. I get a lemonade she gets a sweet tea. After what seemed like a lifetime, he returns with our drinks and we make our food order. I attempted to come up wit a conversation that will deflect anything that makes me seem suspect. This was quickly becoming the hardest night of my life. This is first time in years I have been so scared. Once we finish our meal, the waiter asks about dessert. We tell him what we want. He leaves to place the order. I look at Morgan and tell her I have to go to the restroom. I step away, but not to the restroom. I instead head for the kitchen. There I ask for my waiter. A girl says she will find him. While she leaves I grab small plate and a black cloth napkin. I arrange the napkin on the plate to make an arch. I pull the box out of my pocket and open it. The waitresses standing around instantly see my motives. They let out a group awe. I place the opened box in the middle of the arch on the plate. My waiter approaches and I tell him I need a favor. "When you bring dessert to the table could you bring this just after and place it in front Morgan?" He says "No problem, I got your back." I walk back to the table and have a seat. I look into Morgan's eyes and tell her I love her. She replies with "I love you back." The waiter brings the dessert. Before we can take a single bite, thewaiter comes the arch. I see him approaching, I stumble over my own words and can say nothing but "Would you?" She has just enough time to say "WouldI what?" The plate is on the table. She sees it. She doesn't understand. I get out of my seat and drop to one knee and look at her as if I were a scared little boy who just found out the stove is hot. She begins to tear. I ask her, "Morgan... Will you marry me?" She is silent long enough for a hummingbird to flap its wing one time before she says "Yes," with a tear falling from her eye. I grab the box and pull the marquis cut diamond ring from it. I grab her trembling hand with my trembling hand. I slide the ring on her finger with greatest of ease. It was a perfect fit. We stand and begin to kiss just as the people filling the restaurant begin to applaud. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. As we embrace each other, people begin to congratulate us. I barely hear the spoken words of the people. All I care about is the feeling this girl is giving me. It was over. I'm now engaged. Now comes the next chapter in both our lives. I hope the story ends happy. No. I know the story will end happy.

Gspace!!

So I was looking for good online storage at a decent price. I don't need much. The only thing I would do with it is drop a few files from the office to work on them from home and vica versa. I could also use them on the road. I don't need much space right. I don't need to back up my drive or anything. The only problem I was running into was that I use a windows box at the office and an Ubuntu box at home. Most of the online storage out there have you download an application that usually only work on winblows...oops I meant windows and OS X. So then I come across Gspace. It allows you to have 2 gigs of online storage for free using your gmail account. I decided to try it and I was pleased to find that it works great. It does not have you download an application, merely a Firefox addon. It is fast and easy to use. It uses four spaces that display in one Firefox window. Top left is your computer, top right holds the files currently on gspace, bottom left show you the current transfers, bottom right is more or less a message window to let you know what is going on. Gspace carries a lot of features and I will be posting more on those features in the future. I would love to here what other people use for online storage.

Gray is the way

Hello all. I just wanted to show y'all my new theme. I love it.

Bragging Rights

Hi all. I just wanted to show off my girl friend a little bit. The following album contains pictures of the angel. This is the girl from the post I am not Lance Armstrong. Someday i will make up for the embarassing bike ride.

Mr. Hyde's Collide with Life

Lookin' Good in White

This is the latest set up on my laptop. For any non-geek readers, i have a dell. For any geek readers,
dell inspiron 6400
2 gigs of ram
80 gig drive @ 7200 rpm
intel core 2 duo @ 1.8 ghz
Intel Mobile 945GM/GMS/GME, 943/940GML Express Integrated Graphics Controller
Ubuntu 8.10 Intrepid Ibex with compiz fusion

screenshots nov 24, 2008